Tuesday, October 20, 2009

slowly working out my ideas of WILL

Economy of internal energies

                Per the four kinds of habits, there are four vectors of energy: feeling, thinking, saying and doing, to put them in order from gross undifferentiated energy into the most crystallized and specific.

            A man is blocked when his energy is shaped as if it would arise to the next level, but is knotted down and unable to – a series of metaphors will make palpable this daily experience. The heart sphere has thick armored knots of feelings, and the assumptions flow up through this to the thinking habits.

            The body is the ultimate direction for all energy.

            The leaping of energies could be viewed like the leaping of electrons between shells in an atom. Once enough energy is reached, there the electron assumes a higher place.

            Feeling is based upon the experiences of present memories, which flow like an ocean, the waves are assumptions which catch up the water into the sky of consciousness, and clouds, rain, and bolts are thinking, speaking, saying.

            The conscious emotions are the clouds, the living experiences are the ocean. Assumption brings the one up to the other.

            All energy aims to discharge itself in an action that will draw back a source for more energy still. Ultimately, this is to give the person either stability, or growth, the two opposite and intermingled needs of the life-form.

            Manic-depressives have low energy. This makes them majorly depressed. Therefore, the brain forces the production of energy through the cups of pain, those bits of pain that fill with energy – we will not stray far from our metaphors! – so that the system stays alert, toned, and ready for action. But the lower energy from the needs is building, and that is the nature of their system, to build and build energy and then to tackle all goals in the overflow of mania. It is like a cloud that builds up charge for months, and then attacks every obstacle with a torrent of bolts.

            In fact this is the way of all people. To save up pools of energy, differentiated for this purpose or that, this is the normal flow of the mind at all times, and we never know what our next fancy or interest will be, but once we find it, we have endless energy to pour into it till we have cut some external knot and let the influx of our accomplishment throw us the next level of growth, and then stabilize. The outflow of energy is the tumult that breaks the old layer, and lets us grow thicker and stronger. Boredom and peace and reprieve allow us to regain our balance. Writer’s block is ingenious, especially if you have a dozen projects to oscillate between.

            Here the conscious willing I acts as a swerver. His own force is self-generated and not related to the needs or desires, and so it is in the unique place of guiding the system – and that is how it is free. Yet will power is by nature very weak, it only swerves desires this way or that. The best human being has a chaotic heart combined with an uncompromising will power. Next best a normal heart and a normal will. Worse is the chaotic heart and weak will.

            When depressed, the will lacks any desires to channel, and so it must move on its own. But to overextend itself in this way causes it to grow rigid. To do what it does, amidst the pain, causes anxiety, since it must cease all the little distracters on its own.

            Pain pools need energy into itself, as the outflow of need. And so pain and suffering are great stimulants to life. The will itself when it forces effort feels it as joyful pain. It is joyful pain when it forces itself, it is agony pain when it is forced to focus by something else, a desire, fear, or illness.

            The pressure to communicate is fulfilled only when we see that another receives and responds to our word. Though the words are written or said before that, the energy must move into an internalized representation of an external person, we must see him take us in. Otherwise, the emotions remain unfulfilled, nor can they come back into us as more refined and developed emotions, for we are alienated and lonely.

            Anxiety ceases a desire, and lets the will work freely. The engines on the outskirts of consciousness allow us to see relevant things and save us from distraction. We are more conscious at any moment then we may even know. But focus is a small part of consciousness, the very central crystal ball on the blanket of consciousness.

            Anxieties are desires that are knotted and unnamed. For if we could name them we could unknot them. But as knotted, the cease up a desire or temptation we didn’t want to fight with. The best way to overcome even a chemically induced panic attack is to put your feelings into words, name them, label and sort them. Demonology and psychoanalysis and scientology all really work because they give names to private and unknown problems. Whatever my “demon” really is, once I name it, I can use it.

            As there are two forms in any thing, the gross material form, and the subtle spiritual forms within it, and also the central form that binds them both together, so the knots of anxiety make a rigid external form to cease up the fluid anarchy of the inner forms. Fluid has a form and yet can fill a thousand shapes.

            Great art is a dipping down of states. The philosopher slips into metaphors and then comes back talking about abstractions, perhaps even hiding and forgetting the metaphor. The poet dips down into abstract philosophical thinking. The hero dips into brief and deep speech. This dipping is the only way to make a river of flow upwards to well from the earth.

            Just as a man must use an institution to fight an institution, perhaps using a lawyer and the legal system he represents to fight the bank and the financial system they represent, so too does the inner man need to use strong desires against strong desires.

            Pragmatism is our means for understanding the true purpose of a final form. The ideals in our head seem to come from our attitudes and moods, but sometimes the under-mind has goals we do not know, that we could never achieve if we did know, such as to lie to others. We need to deceive ourselves in order to lie efficiently to others.

            Therefore, use the pragmatic trick of looking at the harsh reality as the true secret purpose of the ideal planning. Communism was never a failure, because all the theories promised were really to make the secret police and all of that. Or if a marriage is broken up because of this seemingly innocent problem, then the problem was created only in order to break up the marriage. Paranoia is a beautiful thing if it is used wisely.

            The building of jism, of lightning thrusts, happens underground, and bursts forth full grown, as if by revelation. All political, social, and personal realities are desired and intended, on some level, or they could never exist in the first place. People are as they wish to be.

            Bad habits provide a fine example. Do not assume that they began innocently and gained enough autonomy to defy you. You do not smoke because you were a dumb kid. You wanted to, you needed to, you always would find bad habits by which to secure yourself in a way of life you desired. It is like art: it worked for you. People build habits in order to not expect much of themselves, to reinforce laziness, and laziness itself to avoid a feeling of alienation or impotence. People do bad things and become bad things in order to forgive others. I forgive my father, my mother, or God, for abusing me or neglecting me, but proving that I am in fact a bad person, so therefore they are not so bad. And then I establish a way of life to let my love of them punish me. Perhaps I want to punish myself. Or whatever else. Those habits do something, they mean something. It is not that my will is too weak to move them, but that it doesn’t want to move them in the first place.

            For this little weak will, without the great desires to swerve can’t do much. But he can do a thousand subtle things to secretly align all the desires into his intended direction. The will is power, the will is craft, he seeks in all things to increase his power. For his is the need to break stability, to grow. Thus he fights against habits, just as he broke to get out of the center and become mortal in the first place. Will aims to destroy the old self and necessitate a new self. All the trauma about us is self imposed, intended, good. We bring it on. We evoke it.

            The joy of the will is to strain to his limits, and earn the pride of relaxing. Self challenging and self overcoming or his purpose. The habits and the heart would prefer love love love always. But he sabotages love, forces it to make sacrifices, reveals or creates painful truths for love to struggle against.

            Desires are swerved by self talk, by evoking the signs that act as magic – all language is magic, is all the magic there is.

            Needs are by nature in a state of death or prebirth pleased. But the separation of will signifies risk, growth, uncertainty, glory, the expansions and thickening of love.


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